Tag: blogger

Smells Like Teen Angst

Communicating my thoughts and feelings through writing has not always been my strongest skill, but it has been a cathartic release for me from a young age.

While packing up my bedroom at my parents’ house over the Christmas break, I came across an old notebook I’ve owned for years.

It’s a pretty little hand-stitched number from Paperchase that I bought many, many moons ago.

As teenagedom hit with the subtlety of a sledgehammer and the emotions began running amock, I took solace in the pages of this notebook.

I always fancied myself as a poet or novelist, and unfortunately I was less than talented in the poetry department.

For today’s Throwback Thursday, I thought I’d share some of the greater works (and by greater I mean those that induced the most stomach-churning cringe) of my adolescence.

Fact and Fiction

Sometime I feel like a character from a book
with no choice of path.

It seems to me that
we are all characters from God’s latest novel.

It seems to me
that we are all characters from God’s new best-seller

Apparently I was struggling with religion…

Act I Scene III

You’re the Lady Macbeth
of today.
Your tongue is your dagger
You seek revenge, need to
satiate your thirst.
Your anatomic sword pierces
hearts; spilling tears and
killing dreams.
Bloodlust courses through your veins
and yet you lie
ever silent, ever dreaming,
until the day the dagger
plunges.

It would also appear I was both ridiculously pissed off with someone and had a flare for (what I considered at the time to be) dramatic structure. Thank God there are no rhyming couplets or I’d be at this page with a rubber and a lot of elbow grease…

And, God Almighty, I seemed to think I could write humour into my ‘poetry’:

Optimism

My glass is half full
of an exciting new drink
that colours my day.

Optimism is
the new pessimism but
more optimistic

Give me strength.

One of the final entries in this notebook is also a short one, but it has a lot more meaning to me. And yes, this one rhymes:

Roses are red
violets are blue
I cannot fathom
this world without you.

Yellow’s for daisies
purple’s for heather
I’ll love you and miss you
forever and ever

I wrote that in 2012. It was the first Valentine’s Day after one of my dearest friends died in a car crash. It was such a devastating time for me. Probably fuelled a lot more angst, but fortunately I stopped writing so much poetry and focused my energy on journals and fiction. I can assure you they were better.

So, there you have it. I was an angsty wee thing, but God loves a trier.

There are still empty pages in this notebook, as time and other distractions left it sitting on the bookshelf for years. I am going to attempt to fill them all. No doubt there will be some angst still there – gotta get it out somehow – but I’m determined to finish this book on a happier note (and maybe without so much terrible, painful poetry).

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Weight Off My Mind

I am 5’6". I have mid-length, dark brown hair. An average nose. Eyes that aren’t any one colour.

The dimples that grace my cheeks when I smile are so pronounced people can’t help but tell me I have them (which has never made much sense to me, but I’ve always enjoyed how much joy they give other people).

When I was a teenager, an elderly woman stopped me in the street to tell me I had lovely long legs I should be proud of (which also confused me because I didn’t plan for them to be that length, it just kind of happened.) Nevertheless it put a spring in my step and I thanked her for the compliment.

The day I realised I’d outgrown my B-cup bra was an exultant day, indeed.

My boyfriend is the first to tell me I have a great butt and he peppers conversations with compliments, truly boosting my ego massively.

Grandparents are also great at compliments: mine are no exception.

I adore the body positivity movement. The idea that society now praises lumps, bumps, size, shape and colour really fills my heart with pride. I get so much satisfaction seeing others happy in their own skin.

But I am currently not happy in mine.

I love my shape. It is soft and feminine and it silhouettes beautifully. But I, like so many others, have major hang ups.

My belly upsets me the most. It sets my shape off balance and makes dressing very difficult at times from the belly button down.

Food is not my friend in this instance. Partly because food is my best friend. I am a stress eater. A comfort eater. A binge eater. A “let’s celebrate with cake” eater. Food has always been there for me, whatever the occasion. This has, over time, and with little exercise to combat the intake, resulted in a part of me that causes many shed tears and the foulest moods.

I champion people all over the world who are embracing their bodies. I admire and envy those who can accept that their bodies are not perfect by society’s unattainable standards, but love theirs anyway. The people who work hard to get their bodies the way they want – they impress me greatly.

I just am not there yet.

I am not comfortable in my bodycon dresses now. I cry if my jeans are too tight. I feel gross when I sit on my bed and feel my stomach rolls. Shopping for trousers and skirts fills me with dread. When my stomach touches my thigh I immediately put clothes on to build a barrier.

The biggest problem, though, is my lack of urgency to change anything. Therein lies the ugliest, most frustrating contradiction of all. I am unhappy with how I look, but I am doing next to nothing to change it.

I dance once a week, practice yoga halfheartedly every so often and maybe walk for 2 hours a week if I’m lucky. I did cut back on unhealthy foods, only to binge and undo what little work I had managed.

It’s a constant tug-of-war between satisfying my perfectionist tendencies and fear of not achieving my potential in every aspect of the life (the struggle is real) and my apathy to my situation.

I am overweight. I am unhealthy. I am unhappy. Those things need to change.

Body positivity and self acceptance are hugely important. Self love and care create such a healthy mindset and breed positivity and happiness elsewhere. It makes sense.

I started writing this post having just stood on the scales and measuring at my heaviest weight yet. I initially was trying to find myself a path to follow that would lead to accepting myself, but I’m now realising that I won’t accept until I start committing to making a positive change.

While my weight is the issue, I know it’s my lifestyle that needs to change. It’s a hard change to make for someone who thrives on habitual living, but some habits really need breaking. I guess I’ll just have to ensure I make more of a conscious effort and watch this space for improvement.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Hi I’m Amy, the new Digital Intern and no, I don’t really know what that means either

I am just home from my first day at my internship and have collapsed onto my bed to write this.

Jeeeez I’m tired. And I didn’t start til midday! The offices were moving floors so I stayed out of the way until the dust settled.

I was given my own desk, had my laptop set up to the company’s network and have been given tasks, to-do lists, meetings and deadlines already. I’M SO EXCITED.

My bosses are amazingly patient and kind and funny. The company seems to be filled with bubbly, creative, engaging people and I honestly can’t wait to get to know them all a bit better.

So, what am I doing? Well, that is yet to be determined, really. I have been introduced as the Digital Intern and I know I’m part of the Planning Department. The main remit for my internship is helping to manage the social media profiles for some pretty big Scottish brands. (I haven’t exactly asked my bosses yet if it’s okay to write this blog. I’ll do that tomorrow. More deets to follow…hopefully.) As one of my bosses told a co-worker “We’ll figure out a fancy title at the end of the internship”. So yeah, I’m a digital-social-planning intern who may well be loaned to other departments, should they need the extra pair of hands.

My desk is next to a massive window that lets the sun flood in. I look out onto the Water of Leith and now feel like a proper grown up (even with my see-through pencil case that is bulging with pens, pencils and an assortment of necessary stationery).

Most of today was spent getting to grips with the different campaign strategies for the accounts I’m working on, and touring the offices shaking hands with at least forty people and that didn’t even cover every floor. There are around eighty members of staff in the company. How I’ll remember everyone’s names is beyond me.

The more I hear about the upcoming projects I’ll be a part of and the work I already have to be getting on with, the more excited I get about being a part of the planning team.

Tomorrow the real work starts. I can’t bloody wait.

—————————–

Sidenote: Remember the palava I talked about regarding workwear? I ended up wearing my new black slacks, new patent loafers, a wee lilac blouse and a black cardigan. Very smart, very comfortable. And, as it happens, very overdressed. Almost everyone I saw was in jeans. Some wore trainers. Some wore t-shirts. Some dressed up a little. There was not one suit in sight. Thank goodness I didn’t end up buying 4 worksuits on Saturday! So, the dress code stress was completely unnecessary and I am going to be smart but casual comfortable. Couldn’t be happier. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some jeans to look out for tomorrow.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Dress Code Stress

With my first day at my internship just around the corner, I realised I have very few office-appropriate clothes to wear. This is slightly problematic, considering I’ll be working in an office. So I went shopping (any excuse, right?)

There are many things to consider when dressing for work. Practicality, warmth, comfort, level of smartness, durability, crumple factor (a real problem with many of my tops), layering ability (another struggle I have – so many of my tops don’t sit right with cardigans or jumpers but I get grumpy if I’m chilly so an optional second layer is often necessary, especially if I don’t know the temperature of the office) and yawn-stretch-belly-reveal avoidance (you have no idea). I stood in front of my wardrobe and tried to conjure up as many outfit combinations as possible, but was drawing a blank because I wasn’t entirely sure what look I was going for.

I realised I had to determine what vibe the office gave off clothes-wise. Being an advertising company, I had initially assumed that just about anything would go, but then remembered that clients meet in the offices and people need to not look like they forgot to change out of their loungewear of a morning. After some deliberation, I decided on smart-casual. I didn’t see a single power suit or many pairs of stiletto heels while I was in the office – granted my interviewers were men – but I was pretty confident from their shirts and slacks combos that I could probably get away with a comfy but smart ensemble. Whatever that meant.

I have a number of smartish tops already, so I’m not so worried about my top half, it’s my bottom half that concerns me. My usual outfit choices are skirts that are definitely not office friendly or jeans, which I’m not sure are quite smart enough.  

With ‘smasual’ in mind, I hit the shops. There lay my second problem: deciding what could be classed as smart-casual. There is a fine line to be walked between looking like you’re going into a meeting and entering a Netflix marathon, at least in my case. I know things can be dressed up or down with the right jewellery and I have plenty of jewellery to accessorise a small army, but are jumpers with a statement necklace or pearls really okay? What about a white shirt, does that look too much like I’m channeling my inner Blair Waldorf sans school skirt and frilly ankle socks? Stress.

Black trousers are a staple but in the eight shops I searched, only 2 had any appropriate trousers, and only one shop stocked said appropriate trousers in my size. Thankfully, I bought one pair of standard slim leg black trouser suit pants to start off my wardrobe.

I found some funky print trousers in Zara but none in my size; and the same thing happened in Mango and H&M, so I guess after posting this I’ll be doing some internet shopping…

I got fairly lucky in the shoe department. A quick zoom around Schuh found me a smart pair of black patent loafers that will be easy to throw on and are work-appropriate without having to worry about heels. I am the reincarnation of Bambi on the frozen lake when heels are in play. I really struggle for more than an hour in anything higher than 2 inches. It’s a pain, but these loafers seem a good compromise.

Now I’m wondering whether jeans might be acceptable in the office. My plan is to wear a dress on my first day – it’s my lucky go-to dress that is smart and funky and fills me with confidence, especially when paired with red lippy and my new loafers – so I can suss out the outfit choices of the other females in the office and base my later wardrobe pairings on what I see.

My buy of the day though was a stationery haul in Paperchase. I am a stationery addict. Pens, sticky notes, funky note cards, pencil cases – I want them all. I bought myself a new pencil case because every school year should start with a new case and I filled it with two patterned pens, three functional pens, two pencils, a rubber and a packet of sticky notes for marking pages should I ever need to do such a thing.

So, while shopping was largely unsuccessful in that I only came away with 2 items of clothing, I do feel more prepared with my pencil case packed and ready to go in my handbag, along with my new notebooks I picked up the other month and have been filling with notes on clients and positive reminders that we got this to get me through my first week. Also, my lack of success at shopping this time round only means I get to give it another go next week when I’m more clued up on office dress code etiquette.

To continue my adulthood prep, tonight I am planning on being very grown up: I’ll sit with a magazine, play Sex and the City in the background, apply a facemask and paint my nails with a glass of wine and some sushi for dinner. While I haven’t conquered coffee-drinking yet, I reckon I’m making a good start as I plunge into the world of adulthood.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin